Christmas Light Contisure: A Friendlier Reminder

There are 21 Days until Christmas:

Get to spending your paycheck.

(Found in Tremont, Ohio).

Christmas Light Contisure

It's December which means a couple of things: bad traffic, being broke, booze, holiday cheer, etc. etc. I also now deem it acceptable to hang your Christmas lights (I know you were all waiting for my blessing).

I don't, however, deem it acceptable to decorate your house like a drunk two-year-old. That's right, I'm judging you when you decorate your house horribly and I've decided to dedicate my blog in December to documenting it.

This all spawns from conversations I've had with my dad over the years about all the crimes against Christmas being committed. It culminated this morning when someone posted a picture of their "first outside Christmas decorations" with pride on Facebook and it looked BAD. So, I did the only obvious thing and sent a screen shot to my dad to make fun of them and he suggested I write a blog (at least my dad thinks I'm funny, right?). I won't call said person out because I'm not THAT mean but I do hope they read this series and do better next year.

Anyways, I'm sure you are wondering:

1.Why are YOU an expert?
2. Why so bitter?

1. I'm an expert because I say so.
2. I am bitter because the first 12 years of my life I lived across from this guy:

 

If you live in Kent, then you probably know this house on Longmere near Fred Fuller park. I bet you have even driven past it to check out their display. AND I bet you never looked across the street from this mess at the nicely decorated, modest, cute house; THAT WAS MY HOUSE!!!! I spent 12 years watching, what used to be a slightly-gaudy but mostly-fun display, turn in to this shit show:

 

Now, I exact my revenge on this house and all its ugly cousins. Taking pictures of the horrible and the lovely for no reason other than I think I'm funny (and don't forget, my dad thinks so too). I hope you'll follow along and Happy Holidays.

Ps. I borrowed these pictures/video from the internet but rest assured I will get my own shots of this beauty before I'm done here.

Long Hair, Do Care

And no I am not talking about my extensions people; I actually have managed to grow my hair some-what-long. Not Duggar long, but enough for me to realize that whoever said Long Hair, Don’t Care didn’t have long hair.

Either that or they were the 1 in 100,000,000 females who have long, wavy, thick, gorgeous hair that could be on a shampoo commercial.

If you are a NORMAL person with long hair, this is what it is really like:

1.     Hair in my face while in the car

2.     Hair in my face while exercising

3.     Hair in my face with a slight breeze

4.     Hair in my face, basically, all the time

5.     Hair in my food

6.     Hair in my mouth while I am trying to eat food

7.     Hair getting sucked into my hair dryer

8.     Hair balls, not dust, all over the apartment

9.     Hair in the drain – gag

10.   Hair in the carpet, in the bed, in the car, on my clothes, on the counter, on the table...

11.   Hair everywhere but on my head

12.   Spending extra money on shampoo

13.   Spending extra money on conditioner

14.   Spending extra money on products that don’t work on my shitty hair

15.   Spending extra money to pay for the extra hair color on my extra hair

16.   Spending extra time washing, drying, brushing and "styling" my extra hair

Basically, I thought I could walk out of the shower, air dry my hair and it would would look like this:

And instead it looks like this:

Did you notice I snuck in ANOTHER Duggar reference. Love those guys.

A love letter....

Dear Future Husband,

It seems like only yesterday that you honked at me as I ran down 14^th. That was that moment I knew my life had changed.

 Who would have thought the double tapping of a horn could have such an effect on a woman?

It may have been way you whistled, shouting, “Hey Baby, lookin finnneee.” – that really tugged at my heart strings. The words slipping like poetry off of those dry, cracked lips. Plus, I always knew the man I would marry had to be able to whistle.  

It could have been the way the sun hit your skin as you hung out of your ’98 Ford pick-up or the sight of your arm fat flapping as you slapped the side, knocking off some of the paint on that rusting blue beauty.

Maybe it was the high five you gave your friend after. The two of you, just off the graveyard shift at the plant, friends since high school – or at least the one grade you both finished. Friendship is the key to a loving marriage, and I can tell yours are the kind that last.

I don’t know where I would be if you had decided to drive by, quietly, not speaking your admiration for my ass.

 Yes, baby. You had me at the honk and I knew I was yours forever….

Sincerely,

Random girl just trying to friggen exercise.

We aren’t obese; we just argue politics through Chick-fil-A and Oreos.

I am starting to wonder…. if Mc. Donalds took a stance for or against gay marriage would the population of obese people in our country decrease?

As it stands, we have the anti-gay-rights Americans boycotting eating Oreos because of the Rainbow Oreo. We have pro-gay-rights Americans boycotting eating Chick-fil-A for their stance on gay marriage.

And although I am sure the pro-gay-rights Americans appreciate JC Penny’s same-sex ads, I am almost positive NO ONE is shopping there. Oh wait, sorry we were talking about food, got a little distracted from the point.

The point is, really there is no point.

Why are we discussing the issues through junk food? Maybe we should all go run off our anger. Or mind our own business. Or VOTE to change the issues that bother us.

Why are we choosing what to eat or not based on our belief system?

…Because we are AMURICANS.

And no matter how much our opinions differ, we will take any excuse to eat something and prove a point.

                                                     (Image via Reddit)

Mind Laxative

I feel like I’ve been in a real rut lately. Writing, work, running, blah, blah, blah, blah – I am even too lazy to finish this sentence.

I don’t know what it is, but I am either too happy to blog or too annoyed to blog. I can’t find myself in that sweet spot that allows me to transfer the thoughts in my head into something (somewhat) funny or enjoyable to read.

And all of the blogs I’ve started are just idling in my brain. I need some Mind Laxative. But because they don’t make that, I have decided to unload some clips unfinished blogs on you. If this goes anything like using the bathroom after a long day a work, I’ll be back to my old self in no-time:

•        I learned pretty quickly that the one with the best candy has the most friends and unlike some things you do in the office, you can’t half-ass the selection in your candy dish.
•     I don’t know if it’s because I am just spoiled at work or what. But sometimes when I get home I just stare at the sink like it’s going to turn on.
•     I don’t understand how people are bad kissers. I mean what Disney movies did you watch growing up? Because in none of the movies I watched did I ever see a scene where the Prince eats the princesses entire face. Like really, stop eating my face.
•           So Bruce Springsteen is in town. I have never seen so many drunk Moms, in leather & cut-offs reliving their glory days.
•     For instance, what the heck is up with how awkward and nerdy everyone acts when they get on the jumbo screen. Like we forget what social norms are. We need Brad Pitt to come in and remind everyone what being cool is, because you just drooled and waved like an idiot on a screen in front of 30,000 people (ok so I know at an Indians game these days that is exaggerating…)

And on that note, I would like to leave you with one last thought that would have made it into an "Awkward Baseball Traditions" blog, if I could think of something witty to say about why doing the Wave is weird. Introducing, Bad Luck Brian.

You call me snobby, but I just dont think you have any taste

Call it wasteful and stupid. I am a coffee snob and it's so worth it.


Besides the general quality and taste of coffee from some establishments, the following experience was when I decided that I could no longer lower my standards:


I had been frequenting McDonalds for an iced latte.. Gross, I know. BUT, it saved time and money. Two things I am always running low on.


I probably went through the drive-thru everyday for two weeks. Same drink. Same people. Until last finally, on a Monday their espresso machine was down. This caused me to miss out on my morning coffee and made my co-workers had to deal with an especially grouchy form of myself.


The next day, in good faith, I returned - It was still broken. Definently annoying but not damaging. I decided to skip coffee for a few days. My next attempt was Monday of tthe next week when I was running late for our 8:30 call, as always, and I swung through McDonalds for a quick latte. And shocking, the stupid machine was still broken.


Dont you think that a alot of their morning traffic is coffee drinks? Shouldn't they fix that after a whole week? Should be a priority.You would think, right?


On the flip side, this morning I went to Erie Island. This being after I had stopped by a few times last week during my McCafe haitus and a few times the week or two prior due to a change in my morning schedule.


I walked in, the girl knew what I wanted , even though I am not a real regular, and had it ready by the time I paid. The same thing is always true for  Civilization which I frequent in Cleveland. Their espresso machines would never be broken for a week, the coffee tastes better and it's nice to get the smiling face of a barista every once in a while - they are cool people (I would know I was one for a summer).


Plus, the people at my work dont wash the coffee pot, ever. So there is no argument there.





(PS: At least I'm not these girls)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUpY1BT9Xf4